Fretting

I have four conferences coming up but I'm finding it really hard to keep writing. I think it's just a terror of what's to come. It's very stupid, I know, and conferences don't keep me from writing, but I do feel as though I use them to feel like a 'legitimate' academic when the words I write in my thesis don't seem like enough. For the past few days I've had a horrible malaise - a combination of regret and sadness and anger over my personal life, or rather, what isn't my personal life. I'm not sure what went wrong. I keep thinking about horrible things that have happened over the years, and I'm finding that to then balance my thesis alongside that is very wearying. It's certainly not healthy to think in this way but it's hard to shake it off once it begins. I'm sure everyone has a "could-have-been" life they think about, and while I'm happy with my immediate relationship with my boyfriend and my parents, and with my living situation, I'm finding it hard to be happy about much else, and I keep imagining the changes I would make, if only I could go back in time. It keeps me up at night, and I tried at first to block out those thoughts by reciting poetry in my head, only now the poetry just makes me think of horrible things again. This is a gloomy little post and all I can really conclude is that I need to suck it up. Like pulling teeth, I can either go on with what I'm doing or give up and ache with failure. I need to get over timidity and worrying. The past is what it is - so what if I was screwed over? Who hasn't been in one way or another. I know I'd really hate myself if I gave up now.